saying goodbye

My brother called around 12:45pm saying that my mom was back in the hospital and on a respirator. He found her unconscious in her apartment yesterday afternoon. An infection was causing her body to shut down, and her oxygen levels were dangerously low. We had to make the decision to honor her wishes and remove the respirator this afternoon. She was gone a little over an hour later.

Even though she was never conscious, I am glad for the opportunity to say goodbye. The last time I saw her was a year ago when Kevin and I made her go to the hospital for breathing treatments. At the time she said if I called Adult Protective Services, she would never speak to me again. She kept her word. As I talked to her today, I wished for her to finally find peace. She suffered so much in her life.

She requested to be cremated and to have no funeral service. Thanks to my amazing network of friends (and super supportive hubby) I am processing this all and trying to find a way to honor my mother. More posts on this for sure…writing is what keeps me healthy.

For now, I am alternating between feelings of relief that she is no longer suffering from her lifelong battle with depression, to frustration that she always refused help. I am sure this emotional back and forth will continue for a while. Ironically, on a whim, I purchased a window bird house while at the grocery getting a few items this morning. Samantha and I hung it on the window in the sun room tonight and know that Nana’s love of birds means that she will visit us again and again at this place to show she is still with us.

I will close today, because I am just emotionally done at this point, with this pic of my mom and Samantha. My favorite part of the picture? The fact that her fingers were crossed so that she did not forget something she wanted to tell me later.

IMG_8625

My mom did the best she could with what she had. Depression is a powerful beast that can take hold of your life and never let go.

Kristan

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

One response to “saying goodbye

  1. You are in my thoughts and in my heart. I am here for you if you need anything.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s