I have been doing a lot of writing and processing since Wed. I swear, when I read over what I have written, it feels like it is straight out of an Augusten Burroughs or Jeannette Walls novel. But no, it was actually my life.
The kiddos are doing the same in very unique ways. Aidan was never really close to my mom, but Samantha was, which is why I was surprised when she did not want to talk about her death at all. And when she did, she expressed only anger at my mom because she “did this to herself.” How do you explain depression to a 10 year old? It does feel like a choice. But it is not. Yesterday as Rahul was preparing to head out of town for a work conference, she was acting out in a BIG way. As I asked him to talk to her about being nice to me this weekend, it hit me….duh Kristan, this was how she was processing my mom’s death. Push me away so she does not have to deal with that loss later on. I might be slow at figuring things out, but when I do I try my best to respond appropriately. I hit my mom “reset” button and approached Samantha in a different way. We cuddled, I let her skip school today for some gardening therapy, and man things are better. Aidan has a school dance tonight (read: when you live 30+ mins from the school and the dance ends at 10pm, you find a friend in Durham for him to sleepover with). Don’t judge….most CFS parents on our side of town do the same thing.This means tonight is ours too. Oh and we went on a Wal-Mart shopping spree for her friend party tomorrow. She asked Mema to make her a cake for her friend party, and after this week, I could not be more grateful that my only job is to get cups, plates and snacks!
I created a memorial site for my mom, which has felt like the right thing to do since she requested no funeral service. Click here to view, make a comment, and consider making a donation to a charity in her honor.
We will be positive, we will move forward, and we will ALWAYS talk about what we are thinking.