Samantha and I have been watching the second brood of baby blue birds closely this time. I was determined to see them leave the nest. We missed it the first time this summer, which was devastating to me. I had no idea how much I needed to watch them this summer until the first brood was gone.
Last night was it…. Samantha started squealing as we were cleaning up the dinner dishes. I ran for my camera and sat outside watching the process. The first two, pictured below, left quickly but the mom kept coming back to the house, so I figured there was at least one more left. She coaxed and coaxed but they did not come out. We will keep watching.
Like a lot of things this summer, the timing of the little ones leaving the nest was significant. I have been struggling with how to find closure with my mom’s death and the secret move of our neighbors. I will have good days and bad days, but both were weighing heavily on my mind this weekend. With our neighbors, I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never know why they acted the way they did about Samantha and her quest to become a Catholic, and the judgment of our family’s beliefs. It is hard to think about knowing someone for 20 years and not knowing how they truly felt about you. Betrayal is the closest word that I can use to describe it. As for my mom, I know in my head that I could not have saved her. She had to want to be happy in order to be happy. Her life experiences made that impossible.
Rahul has tried to be supportive of my grieving process, but he is ready for the old Kristan to return. Whenever we have had problems in the past, there was a solution for the problem and we moved forward. Like my wise friend Courtney ever so gently reminded me last week…what I have been struggling with, in regards to our neighbor for almost a year, and 3 months with my mom’s death, there are no quick solutions. But like Rahul, I am ready to get back to being me. I think starting back to work next week will be a great help, but yesterday my blue bird family leaving us for the final time this summer told me it was time to move forward. I will never be able to fix either the situation with our neighbors or my mom’s mental illness, but I have to fight to be present and happy for my family otherwise I fear that I will become the sad and bitter person my mom was, or the angry and judgmental person our former neighbor is.
The rain stopped this morning, and so I went outside to spread my mom’s ashes around the stepping stone Samantha made for her memorial area. I hope she is proud how we are honoring her memory. My children becoming a part of our family made me believe in a higher power (there is simply no other explanation of how 2 amazing children in countries far away ended up with us). This summer has reaffirmed my belief in a God. He gave me the gift of my blue bird family to help me heal.
I will close with a quote from Lindsey Buckingham, as I want it to be my mantra this fall…
“You know I think all of us have some inner demons that we struggle with. We all have them, and there’s been times when we let them get the best of us probably as well. I think its just important to remember that no one falls into a simple set of labels, and its even more important, I think, to learn from your mistakes and to fight for the positive choice.”