the anticipation

For some reason I have been anticipating the anniversary of my mom’s death these days. And this weekend, I have been very tearful. I guess you never know how you will react to grief. I am trying to focus on the good things, but the sadness keeps creeping back in.

Rahul is out of town for an annual conference which is hard under regular circumstances, so I am trying to practice taking good care of me.

I failed at this in an epic way Sunday. Samantha spent the entire Saturday and Saturday night begging for her BFF to sleepover. She already had a sleepover after the weekday dance, and another sleepover at our house on Friday night, so I said no. But she was relentless. She and her friend were texting me up to 9pm begging. I finally caved and said I would pick her up after my church time Sunday morning. But by Sunday morning the pick up time had changed, which made me miss my regular church time.

Normal Kristan would have held strong to my “no” but I just did not have the energy to fight it. What I really wanted was for Samantha (who is 12, by the way) to be super thoughtful and put my feelings above her needs. I guess that is not a realistic expectation at this age.

I did get to go to church later, and it was just what I needed.

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And my blue birds have layed all of their eggs.


And I am coloring.

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I have a super busy week with work, sports, school play. Part of me just wants to blink and it be Monday of next week so this week will be behind me. But I have wise friends who have encouraged me to embrace the tears, let them come out…. they need to.

So wish me luck. May 13th is right around the corner.




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